It was only a few days ago that we sat together in my kitchen. I made you your coffee with a cube of ice in it. I kissed you goodbye for the day not knowing I would never see you again. For only two months I thought I found the right man. I thought that even through your divorce you were standing on your own two feet and you loved your son so much. You were smart and you made me laugh. We laughed a lot. We obsessed over space theories and the stars. You loved the way I smelled and you were always playing with my hair.
I keep thinking of the night we went out for pizza, you loved good pizza, you sat across from me and I admired the scruff on your face. You kept growing it out for me. I loved nuzzling my face into yours. I’d burry myself into that scruff and just smell you. I know its weird but I ache for that smell again. Your touch made me feel safe and the way you held my hands. Laying on your chest even though you were a hot box in bed. You once fell asleep in my hair. I was heating up so fast and sweating but I didn’t want to move because you were right there. You were right there and now you aren’t.
I keep going over everything we said to each other in my mind. I know your childhood was hard. I can still see your eyes turning red when you told me about your mother. Or how much you were missing Chase and how you cried when he was born. I know you were in pain. I am too. We all are at times. After your DUI you got darker. I should’ve been more supportive about it. I know you were mad at yourself. You kept saying you didn’t want to burden me with your problems but I wanted to listen. You listened to me. You felt alone inside and so do I. You said you felt better when you were with me. Why couldn’t you have been with me? I wasn’t mad at your texts that morning. I know you were warning me and you didn’t want me to get hurt. I was afraid but I still wanted to hold you and encourage you to get help. All I can think about now is the last few things you said to me, “I wish I never said the things I did last night. I don’t want to breakup. Are you still my girlfriend?” Then you said you were going to Chicago. That’s it. I’ll never know if you crashed by accident or you did it on purpose. I have no closure and it will haunt me forever. It will haunt your family forever.
I didn’t want to breakup either, Steven. I wanted you to see a doctor. I will miss driving around looking at all your favorite spots and homes. I know you never got to live out west but you could have some day. Your dreams weren’t ruined. I will miss giggling at Youtube videos with you and talking all night like teenagers. We were excited about each other. We never got enough sleep. I realize now that there were more layers to you I just didn’t know about. I never thought you would go through with it or be that destructive. You must have been in so much pain and I’ll never understand the full magnitude of it. You were a good man and a perfect example of someone who could have turned it all around. You supported me and you were compassionate to my weaknesses. I would give anything to go back in time. I just want to run to my closet and smell you on my sheets and cry and cry for you.
I will always love who you were and I will never forget you