Saturday, May 1, 2010

From: Diana

Dear Daddy! Did ya see our boy on the forklift today? God!
I remember your license pride & how you smile as you
drove that thing through Heartland Paper's warehouse.
You shined! Like Hayden's face in his welding gear.

I'm sorry he doesn't know you. Honestly, I wish *I* knew
you longer, so I'd have more to tell him. I wish it was easier
for me to be in contact with your mom. Somehow, I think
she's mad at me for reminding her of what she's lost. I felt
so bad when Gran cried for my entire visit & beyond.
Forgive me.

You'd think by my 10th year without you, I'd have the
hang of it. I don't. Still flying by the seat of my pants
& pullin' ideas outta my ass. I work hard to do right
by you, to your son. I think he's mostly happy, in spite
of, well, his whole life being so chaotic. Therapy's
expensive, the life insurance gone, I go the route
of avoiding the need for it, then :)

He's becoming a hairy beast! Finally taller than his
mama - JOY! Surprise, his hair stubbornly remains
blonde :) He's sweet, charming & generous -- with a
streak of intensity that comes from us both (poor kid!).
And a Hayden-ness that is all his own.

Sometimes I imagine the fun you'd be having with him.
The healing you'd have been able to complete (or I suppose
that's moot now...) I imagine, too, how'd you still love me.
How our quirks continue to entertain each other. My
friends would LOVE you. You know you'd be the Pied
Piper of their children! You'd tolerate my crazy hippy
Oregon life, for the good beer and the good woman.
'twas Good Love we had... and that I miss ♥

Thank you for showing me the fun that love can be <3
Thank you for whispering in your son's ear when all is
quiet. Thank you for the gifts of your death.
There I said it.
The gifts I know and those yet unknown to me -- thanks.
And I forgive. Again & again.
♥ d