We just passed the eight-year anniversary of your death. It’s so hard to believe that I have made it through eight more years of my life without you here. I miss you so unbelievably much it’s impossible to express in words. Some days I just want to scream so loud that my lungs will hurt, forcing you back.
It’s so hard sometimes to watch the kids grow and change, turning into these amazing adults, knowing that you aren’t here to see it. I just want you to be able to see what cool people they are!
Kev is the mature, calm presence in my life; someone I’ve always needed to bring me back down to earth every so often. He’s really into philosophy and writing and loves to discuss politics. Not sure where he got it from, maybe Grandpa Harry. He is constantly trying new things and willing to have new experiences. He is getting ready to go to Japan for three weeks. He tends to be quiet and to himself but very loyal to the people he loves. He really loves his mom and sometimes his friends give him a hard time about being a mommas boyJ. I think the nine years he had with you, helping you in the garden, sitting and having tea and hot chocolate with you, fishing with Grandpa, and just having an incredible relationship with an older generation has helped shape him into this amazing person.
Tristan is so full of life!! He is bored unless he is moving and being really active; for me, that means driving him up and down Hatchers Pass, taking him to the pool, dropping him off at friend’s houses- it seems like I’m always in the car taking him somewhere so he can burn that energy off. He loves to work with his hands and loves to build things. I think he got that from Dad. If something is broken be sure that Tristan will figure out how to fix it. He’s great at calling me on some of my bad parenting habits and has forced me to rethink the tools I have used in the past and to be a more mindful parent. I credit him for having an incredible relationship with my kids because I’ve been willing to change and be more mindful of how my words and actions effect my kids.
And your little girlfriend……….she’s a young lady now; so confident and sure of herself, same strong personality as I had without the need to please people. She loves who she is and knows exactly what she wants to do and where she is going……….don’t stand in her way! She reminds me of Ren in so many ways- wants to be a fashion designer, loves to play with make-up, very artistic, and questions people who try to place arbitrary restrictions on her. I wish she had more memories of you but she was only 3 years-old when you died. She does remember sitting in your lap when you were in the wheelchair, rolling down Alii Drive in Kona, while you told her the story of the Three Billy Goats Gruff. She remembers crawling up on your bed in the hospital because you were asking for “girlfriend kisses”. She still has her “silky” too. Just like Sierra, she lost her silky so you gave her a piece of lingerie to replace it. She puts it on and wears it over her pajamas sometimes.
Mom, sometimes I just need you! I feel like an abandoned child. Some days I just need to talk to someone but no one can fill those shoes but you. I can’t tell you how many times, in that first two years after you died, that I picked up the phone to tell you some exciting news, would start dialing and remember that you weren’t there. There are things I need to know that only you can tell me. Auntie Karen helps a lot but there are even things that she doesn’t know.
I miss being able to call you when I didn’t want to do something alone, even if it was just going to the grocery store. I miss having you pull into the driveway and hearing you honk to see if the kids wanted to run errands with you. I miss hearing the kids say, “I’m going to Grandma’s” and hearing the door slam and watch them walk down the path to your house to get a Popsicle and visit for a while. I miss them having that other person in their lives that let them completely be kids, no judgements or scolding.
I remember the time that they found a mud hole in your garden and came home completely covered with mud, from the top of their heads to their toes in only their underwear. You were giggling with pleasure from watching them. It was the first time Tristan had allowed himself to get dirty and from that day on he relaxed a lot! I could go on and on for hours with all the memories my kids have of the wonderful things they were able to do at Grandma and Grandpa’s. Your house was a haven for them and if they could they would have spent every waking moment there.
I miss having my parents as my best friends; going to FLOT productions, weekly dinners out, vacations to Hawaii, fishing trips to Valdez. I don’t think there was hardly a day that went by that I didn’t do something with you and dad or at least talk with you on the phone. I just feel completely cheated!!
The one thing that brings me some kind of comfort is thinking of all the wonderful things that have happened in my life since you’ve been gone. You quietly gave me permission to leave the religion that you raised us in- a religion that was holding me prisoner. Because of that one choice I made I’ve been able to blossom into the human being that I was always supposed to be. The last eight years have been liberating in that way!
I no longer feel the need to please people or to do things just because everyone else is doing it. I’ve become quite rebellious in that sense. If it doesn’t make sense to me I’m very loud about it. I question things and make choices that are good for MYSELF! I do things in my own way and in my own time and if you don’t like it then you don’t have to be around me. I’ve become confident in who I am and I finally REALLY, TRULY like myself. I love who I’ve become! Thank you mom! I love you and I miss you like crazy!!