I don't even know what to say and I guess that is fitting as I never knew what to say when you were alive either. I wish you were here still. Mom needs you. She always has. The kids need you. I need you although I am not sure how. But then I didn't know how I needed you in life either. I am stuck despite the 10 years since your death and I can't process the loss of you; except that your death was traumatic for me. Traumatic in ways that I didn't understand, don't understand and most likely never will.
I have Daddy issues and you didn't create them , but your death didn't help any. My husband is a lot like you. Sometimes I get angry because he doesn't fix things that break in the house. As a child, I remember being angry with you because you didn't fix stuff around the house either. I never wanted to marry a guy who wouldn't fix things. Little did I know your good qualities were much more important, like your sense of humor, loyalty, and being a good dad.
My husband reminds me more of you than of the other one. It is frustrating that even in death, I can't tell you I love you. The greatest man. Maybe I am angry because I would love nothing more than to have a father that cherished me as a daughter and a woman and I only got to experience it from a stilted comfortable distant for such a short time. I think I always wanted you to reach out and tell me how much you loved me. Even now I am not so sure you loved me that much. I was terrified that you would love me as little as my real dad. I wanted to tell you that I loved you, but the fear would never let me. Now that your gone, I'll never hear those words from you or say those words to you. The greatest man.