Letters to the Dead: Dear Ricky

I think I still have a crush on you. I wish you knew that. I remember the first time I met you, in Hawaii when I was 11 years old. I'd never seen such a beautiful boy. That charming, cocky smile turned my stomach inside out. I don't think you even noticed me, not really. But I would say your name over and over in my head because even your name was beautiful. Ricky Itami....and I could see that cocky grin and gleam in your eyes. I knew you liked danger and it scared me and entranced me all at once.

You broke your arm there, in Honolulu while we were all at the church retreat. Do you remember? That dangerous side caught up with you for a minute. You wore the cast with the same carefree charm. I wouldn't forget you.

It was a few years later that I saw you again and my heart almost stopped. You were taller, stronger and still completely charming. It was in Boring Oregon and you noticed me that time. Just as a friend...but it was something. We traded contact information and promised to meet up soon. I never saw you in person again.

But we wrote....I doubt you know how much I treasured your letters or the pictures you would send occasionally. I knew some of your pain, some of your troubles but never enough did I? I loved that I could tell you things and they were safe with you. You were my crush and the older friend with whom secrets were safe. I was sure we'd get together some day....

We lost touch a couple of times through the years, but we'd start up where we left off. I never quit caring about you my friend even when we lost touch for the last time. Years passed, I got married, wondered about you often and figured we'd start up our friendship again. I couldn't have known how wrong I was.

My husband and I visited Hawaii one year. Before leaving I met up with some family friends....trying to act casual (but ever so hopeful all the same...my heart still twisting up inside me at the sound of your name) I asked how you were and whether I could get your address from them.

They looked at each other and paused. "Didn't you know?"
Know what?
"Ricky killed himself a couple years ago." It felt like the floor had just given way and the walls were crushing in on me. I don't know how I even talked in that moment because I felt like I couldn't breathe. Did you know I was reaching out to you in my mind? Could you feel me resisting the truth and calling out your name inside?

Do you know that I still miss you and your charming smile? That I regret I couldn't hold your hand and tell you that you weren't alone? That my friendship was not enough to span the years and your sadness and thousands of miles.

Sometimes I'm mad at you for not trying harder to stay, for not trying to find me again.

I miss you Ricky. I'll always miss you and I'm sorry I couldn't be there for you. Thank you for being a friend. Love, Ren